An Odd Superstition
Ever since five years ago, I believe that new year, new me is bullshit. I know, lots of people still believe that new year is a new page and new beginning for them. However, it is not a case for me. I would say that new year is just a parameter to count how many times you've been sucking and how many times you've been surviving. In other words, a new year is just accumulation of upcoming regular day. I don't blame people who partying on new year eve, but I just don't understand why they celebrating for something that still uncertain. Or maybe, they celebrating new year eve because they want to become alive before they finally realized that life gives them a lemon.
In fact, I must say that I kinda believe in some odd superstition about a new year. I don't remember since when I believe in that kind of things. But one thing that I am sure, I don't match with odd years. Confused? Here is the example : I'm not lucky if turn into an odd age. For example, When I was 17 years old, everything sucks. Everything is gone wrong, and I never became what I wanted. But things get better when I turned into 18 years old. In following years, things get worse again and this kind of cycle hunt me down.
I know, I must not believe it. I must believe in myself and everything that I do. In contrast, I realized that believing it is not a completely bad idea. It makes me more cautious about everything. It makes me want to do better and better in order not to mess things up.
While writing this, I overlook my schedule throughout this year. This year indeed going to be a hard year. The hurdle is bigger than last year. Like, I need to choose what subjects do I really wants to commit it. What kind of job do I want to pursue? What kind of dreams that I want to achieve? and so on.
In the last half of December, I was contemplating myself. Did I do good in 2017? I doubt that after all this time, all of my choices were wrong. I don't know what I want to be. I let people down with their high expectation of me. In fact, I have questioned myself with something that I never had an answer.
After a long battle of contemplating myself, I start to realized new things about myself such as :
- I denied myself
- I hate myself for underestimating myself and comparing myself with other people
- I don't want to work as a writer that is forced to write something that I don't want to write,
- I like love stories
- I am in love with a person not because of his appearance but because of his insight and perspective about something.
- I love the ideas of LDR relationship.
- I love wondering that I want to become successful and wise farmers.
- I am easy to having crush on someone
- Microbiology is not that bad. In fact, it is interesting to play with those unseen things.
- I am an introvert person, not an extrovert. all this time I force myself to be an extrovert person
- I love to cuddle with my pillows while binge watch and binge read.
- I care about what people think about me
- I want to fit in everyone shoes and being everyone friend
- I want to be known because of my abilities, talents, and personalities
- I want to become grateful
- I want to more understand about knowledge, especially my religion.
- And, I want to love myself as much as I could.
Is it cringe? All of those things? Yeah, but life is indeed cringed. Me, as a human, never get enough of everything. But isn't it the fate of human, never get enough of everything? Never get hold of everything that is given?
So here I am, writing this down because I try to become the best version of myself day by day even if the thought of everything chasing me down every day after I wake up from sleeping. Instead, I don't want you to become like me or believe in an odd superstition that is nonsense. I want you to become you without a but and doubts. May all of your day is always beautiful and happy!