I Have Dreams, and Now I Realize.



I have a lot of dreams. 

Since I was a kid, I always thought that if I have dreams, someday I would make it real. With that thought, me as a kid always thought that if I just did better and without any burden then I could do anything. I started to gain my confidence. I started to think that life never been so hard and never failed me. Even sometimes lot of people stared at me like I am crazy, overconfidence, and ambitious; I just did not care. Then I grew up being a child with her dreams. In fact, there was also a time when I look down a lot of people due to that. I made her cry, I made her had no friends, and I made her thinking that I am greater than her which was completely bullshit and wrong. I was so young, so dumb, so naive, so sucks. I never knew what I was doing is wrong until I was on her shoes. I cried, had no friends, living crazy life, and had no confidence. That time, I thought everything that I've hold onto was being taken out from me. I was angry, both to myself and to the one that made me like that. I was angry for my action on the past. I was angry for not being able to told to them that what they do is wrong. However I also thankful that now I am able to understand of what people called karma, instead I called it miracle. 

Along with that, I started to re-life. I started to changed from being so lively yet ignorance, to being tactless yet observant. I talked less. Yet, when I do I tend to choose the nicest vocabulary that I have. I started to mind lots of things including what people said to me. In contrast, I also started to appreciate things. Again, I started to regain my dreams and started to believe. In fact, I never talk to anyone before this. I am to scared to see how people would see me and react about me. That is why I was trying hard back then to make people like me and see me as intellegence, friendly and tough person. So that I was able to be friends with whoever it is and being able to take her far away from people like me back then. 

I have dreams. Lot of dreams. 

I was trying so hard to make my dreams comes true. When it did comes true, I was so proud to myself. I appreciated all of the hardwork, compliment, and the spotlight until I became so greedy. Until I took everything not so seriously and easy. Until I lose the meaning of having dreams. Then eventually things did not works the way that I wanted and I lose it all.  However at that time, I was not realized it and started to blame everything on behalf of myself. I started questioning a lot of things that even so pathetic. I started to lose myself again. I started to gave up my dreams. I was thinking that everything I do was not enough and it was not the best of me. 

Rather than make it right, I chose to let it go. I started to not reaching my dreams. I started to think that dreams is impossible. I started to think that life is not nice. Thus I started to lose myself for God knows how many times. Sometimes I felt so tired even I thought that maybe world would be better without me in it. There was also time when I wondered why would I thought that way. Completely trashbag. 

At that time, I kept telling myself that what I did is wrong. I needed to become a better version of me and took away all of the bad things out of me. Thus I start things over again for countless time and just do it like I used to do when I was a kid. Just do it, but this time never take granted for everything and do not fall into the same mistakes twice.

Now that I realized that is how the universe works. They never allow me to being such a jerk to other people. They never give me a permission to being such a selfish person and not working hard. They also never want me to hate and do not love myself as much as they do. Thus in order to do that, they give me obstacles that is make me realize that my dreams and I are priceless. Moreover now I understand what the real meaning of "surely with 'that' hardship comes 'more' ease". You might not know how grateful I am learning this meaning, but words can't even describe that.

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